Attention Moms – We Don’t Have To Feel Our Children’s Pain (And We Really Shouldn’t)

I recall the first time I ever felt physically and emotionally distraught from witnessing my child in pain.  I had just given birth to her, and after having been joyfully nursing her for hours, they told me they had to take her for a bilirubin test to check for jaundice. 

I watched from the window as they poked a hole in her teeny tiny foot, and she cried.  Then I cried.  I could physically feel her discomfort, and the worry and fear in my body was off the charts.  I didn’t know at the time that I was an empath, or what that even meant, but obviously that contributed to my feelings.

Empaths are people who can feel the emotions and pain of others, and when you are an empath and a Mom, it’s double trouble.  It is said that people are born empaths, and likely some become empaths if they are exposed to volatile emotions from their caretakers at a young age.  I was gifted with both.

Fortunately, I put my baby at my breast, and she was fine again.  As my daughter grew older, however, when she felt pain or shame, or I even noticed a situation where she might, I felt it with her.  I remember when she was in preschool, a girl didn’t want to be her friend and left her out often.  It infuriated me. 

I was so frustrated and worried all the time about her feelings.  Once when she was in first grade, I was helping out in the classroom when I saw a girl laugh at her and tease her for not knowing the answer to a question.  It made her cry.  I recall that girl came to me to get her work checked off, and I scolded her and told her to never treat Jane that way again.  Sorry, not sorry for that.

As life continued and I would share my concerns about things from time to time with my husband, I noticed he didn’t think or feel a thing of it.  Jane may be left out or bullied, or in the midst of drama, and he didn’t seem to care.  I took it on as if it was my own.  I just figured he wasn’t parenting well enough, because he didn’t get involved.  I hate to say it, but he was right to let it all go. 

I didn’t help my daughter one bit by contributing to her worries or letting her see that I too felt she was slighted or was overly concerned about her situation.  All I likely did, was make her more worried.  “If Mom is worried too, this must be serious!”  I can imagine that being her thought.

It wasn’t until middle school, when she began heavily acting out on me and living in a world of teenage girl drama, that I realized I was far too involved.  And I could see that my reactions to her were feeding her reactions to me and round and round we went. 

This is when I sought solace in meditation, and to understand where my own reactivity was coming from.  When I was a child, there were no boundaries in my home.  My Mom would scream and yell about things that had nothing to do with me, or often even herself.  She was highly stressed out, and I did my best to try and alleviate her suffering, all the while hiding my own feelings, so I wouldn’t make things worse.  I never really knew what was going to set her off, and I held onto her pain whenever she shared it with me. 

I was “helpful”.

As I began to work through my own past trauma, triggers, and behavioral patterns, and connect deeper with my whole (soul) self, I realized that I wasn’t as emotional of a person as I thought.  I still had empathy, but I understood on a deeper level, that my being at peace was much better for my daughter than my reacting to her pain. 

Our kids need sympathy and understanding, but they also need to feel like the person they are confiding in has their shit together.  They need a calm energy to help them feel safe with their own feelings.  They need a confident energy to ensure them that they will get through whatever difficulties they incur. 

I recall that when I first began to meditate (about 5 years ago and haven’t missed a day since) and work on myself, a mantra popping into my mind that would help me out and still does to this day. 

Let Her Be.  Have Faith.  Trust.

This mantra helped me so much as I repeated it daily, and any time I felt worried about her and what she was going through.  Since then, I have learned so much about how to protect myself as an empath, and how to be a better Mom.

It is our job to be there for our children, but they are not ours, and neither are their emotions.  They are their own people, with their own life lessons to learn from and work through.  If we join them in feeling their pain, it makes it double.  Two pains are not better than one. 

We listen, we love, we support and offer guidance if they ask us.  We don’t need to take on their problems for them or shield them from pain. 

What I understand about life now, is that we all have lessons to learn and work through, and until we do, those lessons will be repeated.  In essence, trying to solve our children’s issues and take on their pain, is only delaying their growth and ensuring more lessons to come. 

My advice to Moms, is to give yourself permission to be with you and your discomfort.  Heal yourself and be present with your own feelings.  Learn and understand where your emotions are coming from, and trust that your kids will be able to work through their own.  Be there as a presence for them, to share their experiences, but affirm to them that you believe in their ability to work through their pain. 

 If we are the rock in the family (as so many Moms are), we should be what we imagine a rock to be.  Strong, peaceful and present. Not bouldering our way through everyone’s stuff and creating more havoc in the process.  I’m sure you have realized this never works.  I proved that to myself time and again.

 Now I see my daughter, at 18, having the confidence to solve her problems and make decisions for herself. I’m grateful that she has had the last 5 years or so without me disrupting her world by trying to take it all on for her. 

As for me – I feel way more free now that I am not bound by those emotional chains.  I have been able to heal the pain and triggers that lived in my body.  I am a balanced person and can confidently handle whatever comes my way without stewing on it tirelessly.  I am present, peaceful, and way happier. 

I used to believe that being a good Mom was carrying everyone’s weight for them.  But it’s just the opposite.  We should be standing beside our kids with confidence and faith in their ability to carry it themselves.

So Mom – Free yourself, because you deserve everything that you want for your child.  And when you embody that, they’ll believe that they deserve it too.