The Core Wound of Feeling Unworthy
Your worth is not measured by what you do. It is in the quality of your being.
You are worthy, because you are here breathing life in this world as a spark of the divine. That’s it.
But if you must use a yardstick against yourself, your value will be found in the quality of your presence. You will feel it there as a truth that you hold in your essence, and you don’t need to do anything to make it so.
Feeling unworthy is a core wound that so many people have and don’t quite understand why. Until they dig deep.
I have had to heal with that wound within myself, and it seems to run deep in many people that I have coached. Feeling unworthy is something that can start in childhood with various experiences, and like many childhood wounds, it can live with us and be reflected in our behavior throughout our entire lives.
Feeling unworthy determines the way we treat ourselves and the way we respond to the world. I’ve watched my own mother now at the end of her life and can see that this core wound has caused her to self-isolate. It prevented her from maintaining friendships, and to not allow new friendships to form. It kept her from getting too close to anyone, even her kids. And it enabled her children to adapt this sense of unworthiness too.
A mom may reject the love of her own children, because she doesn’t feel worthy of love herself. So, she holds back her love out of a fear of rejection. Then they don’t feel love from her, which causes them to feel unworthy, and the cycle continues for generations.
Unworthiness can manifest as Isolation
When you experience abandonment as a child for example (emotionally or physically), it doesn’t matter what the explanation is, the child feels unworthy in some way, and this sets the tone for how the child grows up and sets their expectations up for life. They respond to their environment differently, because of this wound inside of them.
Feelings of unworthiness can create patterns of behavior that begin in childhood and follow you throughout life.
It may cause a person to not take basic care of themselves or develop addictions and disordered eating to cope with feelings they can’t bear to feel. It may cause someone to seek out abusive relationships that affirm their sense of unworthiness. It could make them feel as though they can’t accomplish their dreams and they may fear trying anything for fear they will fail.
It could also manifest in the opposite way, and make them develop into over-achievers, setting impossible standards for themselves. People in those situations will continue to achieve and exhaust themselves trying to prove their worth throughout life, but often still feel unworthy inside.
Low self-worth inhibits our ability to make real connections. Often a person spends all their time trying to do things to make themselves worthy of the other person. So instead of a true connection with you, the person is merely experiencing patterns of behavior you’ve adapted to try and prevent others from seeing what you falsely see in yourself. I cannot emphasize enough, that this is a false belief, and you are worthy beyond measure.
How to Heal
So here we sit, as adults. With patterns of behavior that do not enable us to live in happy and fulfilling lives. And the way out is to once again connect to the child within us.
Time to let them be seen.
You are the observer of your thoughts. You are not your thoughts.
The first thing to do when trying to identify this wound and how to heal it, is silencing the mind. Meditation is an amazing tool for connecting with your true essence. I highly recommend the insight timer app and here is a beautiful meditation for connecting with the inner child.
As you meditate and separate yourself from your thoughts, you can begin to become aware of them. See them. Hear them. Be present for them.
Yes, this can be difficult when your thoughts are dark, but the great thing about observing them is that you can realize that they are just that, thoughts. By observing them, you separate yourself as the one who sees them, which helps you realize that you are not your thoughts.
Healing also involves connecting with the little person inside of you that feels unworthy. It takes tending to the energy inside of you that is stuck in time as a wounded child. This energy began to freeze into an energetic imprint in your body the moment early in life, when the feelings of unworthiness began.
If the child was tended to and nurtured in the moment of the “emotional injury”, likely the wound would not have manifested. Unfortunately, that is not the case for most people. For most kids, the first time they feel like they are not enough for the ones they love, is when they start to try to alter themselves in some way.
For me, I tried to make people laugh, to be tough, to act like I didn’t need anyone. I put up a shell of protection and though I pretended to be highly confident, I had low self- esteem. I settled a lot in my early life and tolerated way less than what I truly desired. I also spent many nights crying alone, because I didn’t feel like my emotions were worthy of the support of others. I felt I was a burden. This feeling of not wanting to be a burden can manifest as an inability to ask for help, and can paralyze you from letting people truly in.
To help heal these wounds, practice observing your thoughts and writing them down. This may bring up some emotions, and that’s good. Deep emotions will likely come up, when you face what lies within. The reason we bury this stuff is so we don’t have to deal with the pain. And when we are kids, this is a survival mechanism that we need.
Yet when we are adults and want to live fulfilling lives, we must release these repressed emotions. When we have spent so much of our lives with this veil of pain hovering over us, it’s a relief for the body to let go of it all. Holding it all in takes way more energy for the body than it does to let it go and can eventually manifest physically as the body can no longer bear it. A great book to read is “The Body Keeps The Score” - Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
When we clear out our mental chatter enough to get to a feeling or emotion, then we are on to something. Where in the body does the feeling begin? Wherever you feel the physical discomfort in the body, lay your hands on that space. Breathe.
When we get intentional enough with our breath and body for our inner child to emerge, we may be brought back to a time and place where a wounding has occurred. Don’t worry if you don’t find anything. This energy needs to feel safe with you, because you too have (unintentionally) abandoned them, merely out of your own survival.
It’s going to feel weird doing this at first, which is why it can really be helpful with a coach that has experience and can help hold space for you as you connect. This can certainly be done your own if you set your intention to do so and can take the time to work on it. This book by Robert Jackman is an excellent tool and reference, “Healing Your Lost Inner Child”.
When a lost memory floats up, allow any feelings to come up with it. There may be tears and emotions that were not able to be released and need to be. You may literally be bawling “like a baby”. Be there for the child in you that is crying or angry. Let these emotions out! If we push the feelings aside and try to power over them, we are simply stuffing them back in.
Be with those feelings as if you are the parent of this child in that moment in time. Let the inner child feel all the feelings. Allow them to be sad without trying to fix or push anything away. You are doing for your younger self what should have been done for you back in that moment in time.
Validate the feelings, and imagine you are hugging the child and reassuring him or her that you understand their feelings. Show love to this child energy inside of you. Let them feel seen.
Releasing the Inner Child Wound Helps You Feel Lighter!
You may feel a massive relief, like a heavy weight has been lifted off you as you let go of the emotions and beliefs you’ve been carrying for so long. You will likely feel lighter. It is truly a gift to awaken to the real you and recognize that you are not your thoughts or your patterns of behavior linked to past trauma.
Again, you are worthy because you are here. And you are worthy of a truly fulfilling life.
For most people at the end of their life, they don’t wish that they’d “done” more. They wished that they had appreciated more, been more present with people they loved, and shared what was truly in their heart. Healing this core wound of self worth helps you live a more fulfilling life.
We are here to immerse ourselves in the human experience. Not to accumulate. Not to prove ourselves worthy to the world, but to be present for the experience that we’re having. To learn from our experiences, grow from them, and appreciate life itself.